


i'm standing in the ashes (of who i used to be)

by kriswithakay



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Gen, Meta, Post-Canon, Self-Determination, The Fall - Freeform, character study disguised as fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 07:14:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20671397
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kriswithakay/pseuds/kriswithakay
Summary: Aziraphale tells Crowley something he's never told another soul: just how close he came to Falling, and why he didn't.





	i'm standing in the ashes (of who i used to be)

After the world failed to end, Aziraphale and Crowley drew up a list of all the things they had never done, and began the long and arduous process of checking everything off. They figured that if they were very diligent and crossed off at least one item a week, they might be halfway through by the time the next Armageddon rolled around. Tonight’s endeavor was luckily one of the simpler items, though it was made slightly more complicated by just how drunk the both of them were.

“But we already know practically everything about each other!” Aziraphale groused, scowling into his glass of red.

“Practically, angel, practically.” Crowley drawled from his position sprawled on the floor, back against Aziraphale’s couch. “That’s the whole point of the game. Tell me something you’ve never told me before.”

“Well, all right I suppose.” Aziraphale considered for a long moment, balancing his wine glass on the arm of his wingback chair. “There is something that I’ve never told anyone before, actually. It’s . . . well, it’s how close I came to Falling.”

It was a credit to how much they’d already drunk that the atmosphere in the room didn’t immediately turn frigid. Copious amounts of alcohol had loosened Aziraphale’s tongue on this subject he had long tried to forget, and softened Crowley enough that rather than becoming agitated or offended, he just pulled a sour face. “…after Armageddon, you mean?”

“No, I mean Before.” Aziraphale gestured vaguely over his shoulder to indicate the past. “In the Beginning, and all that. The Great War.”

Crowley looked at him, yellow eyes unblinking. Aziraphale continued.

“I, well . . . I don’t remember things from back then very clearly. It’s all a bit hazy, but. I can still feel it. Sometimes, it’s like it just happened. I was so very close to the edge. Just one step away from Falling. I could feel it . . .” his expression grew distant for a moment before he visibly collected himself with a small shudder and a swallow. “The vertigo. The heat pressing in all around me, like I was already burning up. I could tell that I was right there, on the precipice, all it would take was a single nudge and I would have plummeted. The smallest push, o-or for someone to reach out and pull me down. I was almost there.”

“…but you didn’t Fall.” Crowley said.

“I didn’t.”

“How?”

There was a long pause. Aziraphale took a drink of his wine absently, staring off over Crowley’s shoulder. Finally, he spoke. “There was so much chaos. I wasn’t sure what was happening, who was on what side, and I was just _standing_ there in the middle of it, they’d given me a sword but I didn’t know whose side was what or who to follow, I was so sure that there couldn’t be sides at all because we were all the same I thought, and I felt so much doubt and confusion I could hardly move, and there was that awful burning feeling surrounding me and I…

“I could see it happening all around. Angels falling, and I was just . . . waiting. Waiting for it to happen to me, for someone to walk up and nudge me over the edge. It never even occurred to me that I could take the final step myself.”

Crowley stared. Aziraphale’s eyes were unfocused, not seeing Crowley or the bookshop or the earth. When he kept going, both were surprised at how steady his voice was.

“Eventually I waited for so long that all the fighting stopped and half the angels of Heaven had Fallen, and I thought ‘well, if it hasn’t happened yet then I suppose it won’t.’ And the feeling eventually faded on its own. And I just never told anyone. I was so ashamed of how close I came.

“I didn’t realize. I didn’t realize for a very long time.” He smiled thinly. “I was so caught up in waiting for someone else to push me over or pull me back, to show me what to do, and then after it was over all I could think about was following orders. I spent millennia waiting for the vertigo to claim me again. It wasn’t until very recently that I finally understood. It was all about choice.” He tapped his manicured fingers against the rim of his glass. On a plane of reality just to the left of ours, his wings ruffled and shook in agitation. “I could be led right up to the edge by the others, but I had to choose to jump for myself. _I_ had to choose, you see. That’s what it’s always been about. You may have handed Eve the apple my dear, but you never forced her to take a bite. And I never even realized that there was a decision for me to make.”

“Would you now?”

Aziraphale blinked, finally meeting Crowley’s eyes again, perhaps just remembering that he was there. “What’s that, my dear?”

“If you could go back, knowing what you know now.” Crowley’s voice was quiet. His face unreadable. “Would you choose to jump?”

It was quiet. Aziraphale looked down into his wine, swirled it, drained the glass, then set it aside. Slowly, deliberately, he lowered himself to the floor opposite Crowley. “I don’t believe that’s how the game works, my dear. I answered, so it’s my turn now.” He smiled.

“Truth or dare?”

**Author's Note:**

> Let's be real, it's gonna be tough for Crowley to follow that. 
> 
> (title from Angel on Fire by Halsey, because of course)


End file.
